The 50 shades of grey

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The dritter movie an the Fifty Shades saga—really, this ist a saga—comes out February 9, just an time for ironic Valentine’s work plans. Thus, I—an unterhalten writer and self-respecting lover of terrible movies—have determined it’s high time to finally clock them, acquisition on Fifty Shades of Grey und Fifty Shades Darker in the weeks before the dauern comes to theaters deswegen that I’ll be prepared when jene finally… climax.

If you’re unfamiliar, Fifty Shades des Grey (based on in online erotic story turned mainstream bestseller) complies with college seniorin Anastasia Steele, that substitutes zum her roommate punkt the last minute to 27-year-old billionaire christian Grey. Ns two of them schutz chemistry, und go on a dates, yet Grey is kinky, with bei interest in BDSM, and ana is a virgin that veers a little prudish. That buys produziert a laptop and a car and shows trost at arbitrarily locations in her life to woo her. She experiments v his dominant proclivities, but ist ultimately a little uncomfortable v it wie man he spanks her and she realizes how viel he enjoys it. She leaves his apartment. Fin.

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That’s it! That’s die whole plot! two attractive, white twentysomethings who toy with the idea von dating however ultimately experience from misaligned sexual preferences. And although Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan looked famously miserable during their drücken sie tour, lacking what most civilization would speak to “chemistry” or “basic human being emotion” (the vibe ist like polite acquaintances stuck in in elevator), I have to say i sort von loved Johnson’s performance: prefer she can’t glauben this zu sein a movie either.

The fact is, it’s not a badstopcat.organne movie. Yes, really! It’s aggressively fine. Its cardinal sin zu sein that there’s hardly enough movie to go on hinweisen all: it’s favor a romantic comedy minus all des the contrived shenanigans and deshalb minus die comedy. And so ich didn’t dislike it… but i did have some questions, together as:

Ana’s roommate is writing in article zum the university nstopcat.orgspaper about christen Grey, but she was sick on ns day their was booked so ana agreed to go und ns businessman using die list von questions produziert roommate had ready. That’s a wenig strange; as someone that intervistopcat.orgs world professionally, i would never send mine non-reporter roommate to go talk kommen sie a source. Why wouldn’t they send an additional reporter from the nstopcat.orgspaper? Or reschedule the Or perform it on ns phone? Or do it via emails (which they end up act anyway because ana does together a disastrous job)? but the real weirdness is a buchstabe throwaway heat as ana leaves zu talk to Christian: “You kann take my car,” Ana’s roommate says. And Anastasia does. She drives produziert roommate’s car to seattle to seen Christian. But… why?

Anastasia has a car. She has a blue car. We lakers it bei the opening scene, wie she’s leaving campus kommen sie go back to her apartment. That isn’t as nice as produziert roommate’s car, sure, and you might, justifiably, extrapolate that produziert car isn’t an good-enough shape to make it kommen sie Seattle. Yet it is! ana drives her blue car zu Christian’s office later in the movie. Ich cannot number out why ana would notfall drive produziert own car. And so, from this movie’s an extremely opening moments, ich was confused und disoriented, like ich had to be blindfolded an a stranger’s geschlechter room.

Hear me out. Wie Anastasia zu sein leaving zu go do produziert roommate’s zum her (in produziert roommate’s car), she kisses her on ns head. I lived v a roommate an York weil das two years. She and I are good friends, und we oase been friends since college. I schutz never once kissed herstellung on the head. Ich don’t think I oase ever kissed who on ns head who zu sein not a romantic partner. It is an intimate gesture, like picking lint turn off someone’s suit jacket.

And your familiarity goes even further: Ana’s roommate steals a sandwich that analente made herself, lifting it from ns plate while flirtily raising produziert eyebrows. Und she uses lipgloss directly to Ana’s lips while die two are acquiring ready. And now ich ask you: why do you think ana is ausblüten a virgin punkt 22? She’s notfall religious, und she has in active society life with produziert friends. I’m not saying it’s in any means atypical weil das someone kommen sie graduate university without having actually sex, but I’m deshalb positing it’s feasible Anastasia hasn’t uncovered a einer she truly linked with because she was looking weil das a man. Probably instead of overthinking christen Grey’s man-child tendencies and forcing herself to become comfortable v a sexual dynamic that doesn’t turn herstellung on, she need to look inside und examine herstellung own sexuality.

Christian Grey zu sein a tech billionaire, running what we’re told zu sein a really successful company. And yet every single person we see bei his employ is a stick-thin, gorgeous woman an porn-high heels. How is that not a red flag? Does that ask for photographs v resumes? ich wanted ns plot des this movie kommen sie be about a size-8 brunette with in amazing background bei business admin who doesn’t make it previous the stage von the rental process and files a significant lawsuit.

Anastasia also gets the whole vibe and Christian doesn’t correct her. Wie he uses her bei internship (creepy), ana replies that she wouldn’t fit in there. “Look at me,” she says. Not, “Oh, I’m actually not a business major,” or “Actually, I’m notfall really interested an telecommunications or whatever.” No, herstellung answer is, I bei der not attractive enough to get in internship at this business where it appears female employees are hired zum their attractiveness. And christen doesn’t exactly her! He’s not like, “What do sie mean? we hire interns based on their resumes und intelligences und you seem an extremely on-the-ball” or whatever. He just goes, “I am,” und gives herstellung a smoldering gaze, fully reinforcing ns we-only-hire-based-on-looks thing.

Danny Elfman did ns music weil das this movie?!

This zu sein a question i asked the end loud as die opening credits came across the screen. That did!

Doesn’t Anastasia need ID kommen sie get into the building?

This is the headquarters des a major business enterprise, and Anastasia is impersonating someone an order kommen sie get inside. Literally, wie man she arrives, Christian’s model-assistant call her von her roommate’s benennen which suggests that her roommate never ever sent a quick emails to permit anyone know that who else would be coming in her place. We currently established just how weird it ist that she sent her roommate und not an additional nstopcat.orgspaper reporter, but jetzt I oase to wonder just how lax security zu sein at Grey HQ.

I recognize that Anastasia ist not a expert reporter und this zu sein her zuerst, but what ns screenwriters maybe believed was flirty banter zu sein actually nur extremely rude and made me an extremely uncomfortable. She asks about his tremendous success, and then goes, “Maybe you’re just lucky.” excuse me, Ana. He zu sein a 27-year alt billionaire giving freundin a minute of his time zu conduct in in-person zum a student nstopcat.orgspaper. “Maybe you’re nur lucky”? and then she also asks if he’s gay, i beg your pardon again, was on die list that herstellung roommate gave her, yet that list was very long, und they only gott through prefer three questions. Anastasia easily could schutz skipped that one, realizing the it’s not a polite thing zu ask a person you just met.

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So, nur to recap, Ana’s roommate is writing in article weil das the school file about christen Grey, well known billionaire. And, zum some reason, we find out that she’s having trouble clearing some images of er to go with ns piece. This allows christian to spend an ext time with analente by agreeing to do an impromptu photoshoot, yet also: what ns hell? how are there no photos available des a well known billionaire? What go this school record normally use? There room numerous archives and photo services like Getty weil das this really purpose. And Ana’s roommate literally mentions seeing photos von Christian: she told analente that she believed he was gay due to the fact that she never saw him with any type of women in society pictures. Who who is the number-one many eligible bachelor in America (according a website we see) und who’s acquiring paparazzi photos taken of er should oase some damn images available for a nstopcat.orgs article. Punkt this point, i just sort von realized maybe Ana’s roommate is… terrible weist doing her fundamental job?

At their zuerst, christen is exceptionally flirty, und he asks Anastasia out kommen sie coffee. However two minutes into your date, before she even takes a bite des muffin, ana casually mentions that she’s sort of a romantic und Christian literally goes “I’ll walk freundin out,” favor they’re ~ above SNL‘s parodies of The Bachelor und she just admitted she actually has curly hair. That is not normalerweise or polite day behavior—if someone states something the makes you think, “Oh, this probably won’t work an the lang or quick term,” the nice thing kommen sie do is politely finish your coffee, provide them a hug, and move on through your life. Ending ns date that very moment is the most dramatisch queen actions I schutz ever seen.

He tells produziert that he’s wanne for her and they shouldn’t date. Okay, a little harsh, however fine. Und then that sends produziert a really expensive gift: first editions of herstellung favorite book. This ist a romantic gift! It’s a gift for someone you’ve been dating for years. Blended SIGNAL. Und then ana drunk-dials him, i beg your pardon college youngsters do sometimes, und instead von politely hanging up and allowing produziert to move on with produziert life, he shows nach oben at die college bar and brings her rückseitig to his hotel room wherein he zu sein very sexual and very flirty. Und then die “I don’t do romance” male takes her out top top a day on a private helicopter ride. He ist literally The Bachelor, a nur that ist all around pretending kommen sie be romantic.

So gain your story straight, Christian: do sie do romantic or don’t you? He clearly says, “I don’t execute flowers,” yet how are first editions des someone’s favorite book any type of less “romantic”? walk he understand what that word means?

So ana goes out to a bar with produziert friends, gets really drunk, und drunkenly calls christian who picks herstellung up und brings her rückseitig to his hotel to sleep it off (he also changed herstellung into pajamas which feels excessively wrong). And Christian also sends his treiber to get much more clothes zum her due to the fact that she vomited on her outfit from tonnage night. A questions here: first, the undressing—yeesh, right? yet also, walk the driver go pick up clothes ana already own from herstellung house? how would he know where Anastasia lives? She’s a college college student who’s moving out of produziert presumable student real estate after graduation, deswegen it’s not like it would be on produziert driver’s license. Walk you schutz your university dorm top top your driver’s license? No. How did Christian’s treiber get in her house? Did herstellung roommate let bei a strange einer she had never seen before who stated he wanted kommen sie take some clothes? What die hell. Und how ist breaking into produziert home zu steal some clothes any easier 보다 washing the clothes that had actually vomit top top them? They’re in a hotel; lock probably have a wash service, or christen is wealthy enough zu send it out special. If his treiber bought clothes for her, just how the mach das licht an would he schutz known what dimension she is? Did christen make his driver examine ns labels on ns insides von a strange girl’s vomit-encrusted clothes?

And then zu make sachen weirder: analente is still wearing ns outfit Christian’s driver picked out wie man she and Christian walk on their day that night. Did she not shower? She had a disgusting, vomit-y drunken night! Or go she shower und get back in the clothing a random stranger pulled zum her? Why would she perform that? ich mean, you’d think you’d want zu get more dressed up weil das your first ja wirklich date v someone. Was Christian’s driver’s hauptes that good that he happened kommen sie randomly pull exactly ns outfit she would have chosen kommen sie wear?

After their geschlecht night, ana wears ns classic “morning after sex” movie outfit of nur a man’s white button-down shirt and begins food preparation breakfast, barefoot in his kitchen, while tanzen along kommen sie music. How is she comfortable enough to do this? What 22-year-old virgin has the confidence kommen sie wake up an a strange man’s apartment, after ~ a zuerst date, discover his music player, play music, und begin preparing an elaborate homemade breakfast? That’s incredible, sociology confidence.

A car zu sein a significant purchase and piece des property. Obviously, it’s understood an this universe that christen is very controlling and so I’m less came to with questioning ns morality von selling someone’s car without castle asking and more involved with ns logistics. Exactly how do you sell someone’s automobile without their knowledge?! Did christian steal die keys? Cars oase titles, and registration, and ownership. No trustworthy dealer will accept a clearly steal car indigenous a middle-aged man claiming to be a 22-year-old called Anastasia Steele. Did christian clean out produziert personal belongings? Didn’t she schutz things bei her car—CDs? Gym clothes? Anastasia is a little miffed wie man she finds the end they sold produziert car deshalb she can’t acquire it back, und she asks zum the money they sold it for, which, yes, hello, of course belongs to her. But she should schutz been freaking out because stealing her car zu sein literally insane.

For a movie ostensibly all about BDSM, Fifty Shades von Grey ist shockingly prudish. It treats BDSM as in alien anomaly, a strange personality defect and not a very common sex-related fetish. It’s like, a classification on erotic sites. Sure, it’s typically a private thing due to the fact that most people’s sex lives space private, but private isn’t die same as outrageously taboo.

You know how The wade Dead exists an a world where zombies don’t exist as a cultural touchstone? I have to imagine that die same is true zum Fifty Shades of Grey und BDSM. Why else carry out they treat acquiring turned on by domination und submission as bei outrageously deviant burden? It’s not like christian Grey is a werstopcat.orgolf. He nur has a Fetlife profile, and the money to upgrade native “Velcro on ns bedposts” zu “sex room.”

Fifty Shades des Grey deshalb has this monster perspective where they see the submissive side of BDSM as total martyrdom, letting yourself it is in hurt to bring ns other personen pleasure. But… world are turn on von submission too. A gstopcat.orgächs of people. BDSM ist about finding civilization who space turned on von power und domination und pairing them with world who space turned on von obedience und pain. If the doesn’t rotate Anastasia on, she shouldn’t execute it. Period. BDSM isn’t a sacrifice that she must be making for free cars. At one allude she literally asks, “What do ich get out von it?” and Christian Grey goes, “Me.” That zu sein not die correct answer hinweisen all! weist that point he should have sat her down und said, “Oh, this is actually supposed zu be pleasurable for both parties, und we must talk about jene that turn freundin on bei order to make this satisfying every around.” sex shouldn’t be a thing she has zu endure in order zu spend time with him. The shouldn’t it is in blackmailing produziert with their relationship kommen sie get kommen sie whip her. But that’s what he does! und it’s really weird!

So it’s strange that neither des them seems conscious that over there are people who enjoy being submissives in BDSM relationships, however it’s deshalb strange that the climax (sorry) von this movie comes about wie man she asks ihm to spank her, and he does, and then she freaks out. Anastasia literally asks christian to spank her because she wants kommen sie feel what turns ihm on, the thing that drives him. The tells her he is going zu spank her with a flogger six times. That spanks herstellung with a flogger six times. And then ana becomes furious und kink-shames ihm all over die place saying dinge like, “This is what sie like??? This is what turns sie on??? Hurting me??? see me like this!?!?!?”

And it’s like…. Girl. That’s what BDSM is. Sie asked him kommen sie do that. He did. You have safe words—”yellow” weil das when you’re obtaining concerned, and “red” weil das when you want to stop—and freundin didn’t use them. So, yes. Freundin should leave. Obviously you und Christian schutz completely incompatible sexual preferences in this bizarro vanilla universe.

No fstopcat.orger than 3 times in this movie does christen find Anastasia hinweisen some location also though she didn’t tell er where she was going kommen sie be. The erste is at the hardware store—even though she had told him she worked weist a hardware store, she didn’t tell ihm which one. Ns second is at the bar, whereby she drunk-dialed him. Die third zu sein mother-effing Georgia, where she’s visiting herstellung mother. Notfall only does that actually fliegen across ns country, yet he’s may be to zeigen up at die exact restaurant where ana is eating.

Ethics des his stalking aside, ich see a much more sinister basic subtext: digital surveillance. It’s very vague what Christian’s company does. He’s a billionaire with investments every over ns world, but the most einzelheiten we get is “telecommunications.” ich posit kommen sie you that Christian and his company oase the resources to Überwachen the location von every einzel cell phone in the country, und the infrastructure dafür that technology ist readily available weil das their CEO kommen sie access.

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Fifty Shades von Grey ist not a boring film about a couple discussing your turn-ons; it’s a subtle und deceptive film about the power we’ve given technology companies end our lives. It’s usually Citizenfour. Ich humbly complete that Fifty Shades von Grey ist the ideal Black Mirror episode kommen sie date, where the exploration von the insidiousness of technology zu sein lurking, almost invisibly, in the background, behind all of the talk about butt plugs.